Jokes Jokes and more Jokes - Jokes made simple! http://www.simplejokes.com/ Simplejokes.com Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people. Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people? I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=566 A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other... A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=694 Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=901 Hello? (Pause. Roommate's voice:) C'mon, Matt, we're gonna be late! -- Hold on, there's someone on the phone! Hello? -- C'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=935 A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1079 RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter. JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?' RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?' http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1138 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1 "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [pause] "Yes, it is." [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [muffled] "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=655 An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?! " The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back ! at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ! "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=370 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer. The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks, followed them and got hit by a train." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=429 A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=440 An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=155 Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=417 A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=418 The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=628