Jokes Jokes and more Jokes - Jokes made simple! http://www.simplejokes.com/ Simplejokes.com Customer: \"Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.\" Tech Support: \"What seems to be the problem?\" Customer: \"The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It\'s defective!\" Tech Support: \"You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.\" Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker) **************** I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard\'s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn\'t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, \"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this \"yellow\" construction paper?\" ******************* A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer\'s tech support number, complaining about the error message: \"Can\'t find the printer.\" On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn\'t find it! (YEE-HAW!) ***************** Customer: \"Hello? I\'m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, \'No Carrier,\' on my screen. What\'s wrong?\" ***************** An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: \"I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.\" (Training stresses that we are \"not the Soft-ware Police,\" so I let the little act of piracy slide.) Tech Support: \"Umm-hmm. What happened?\" Customer: \"As I put each disk in it turns out they weren\'t initialized.\" Tech Support: \"Do you remember the message exactly, ma\'am?\" Customer:(proudly) \"I wrote it down. \'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it\'?\" Tech Support: \"Er, what happened next?\" Customer: \"After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can\'t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?\" ****************** For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, \"Leave me alone!\" They both jumped back, silenced. \"What the . . . \" the teacher said. I typed, \"I said leave me alone!\" The kid got real upset. \"I didn\'t do anything to it, I swear!\" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: \"Don\'t touch me!\" Her: \"I\'m sorry, I didn\'t mean to hit your keys that hard.\" Me: \"Who do you think you are anyway?!\" Etc. Finally, I couldn\'t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. *************** I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing \" A:\" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn\'t type the \"dot over dot thingie\" and that every time he tried to type the \"dot over dot thingie\" he kept getting the \"dot over comma thingie\" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius. ***************** This guy calls in to complain that he gets an \"Access Denied\" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: \"OK, let\'s try once more, but use lower case letters.\" Customer: \"Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.\" **************** Email from a friend: \"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?\" **************** My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, \"It\'s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!\" **************** http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=657 There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said. Hitman: where is the money? Accountant signs he does not know Brother: he said he does not know Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you! Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination. Hitman: what did he say? Brother: you don't have the balls! http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=839 Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=901 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1 "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [pause] "Yes, it is." [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [muffled] "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=655 A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard. The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=239 An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?! " The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back ! at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ! "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=370 An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=155 Ebonics Version of Windows \'98 Debuts! Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled \"It be a fresh Window.\" It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users. There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version. When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a \"phat getto track that melts \'em down wit dope-ass bass,\" The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs. On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with \"Dis My Shit.\" The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster. If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With \"Da Hood.\" Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: \"Marquee,\" a lil\' G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or \"Flying Bullets,\" a \'64 Olds\' loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by. Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes: 1. Break Back In = Re-entry 2. Aww Shit = Error 3. U Betta Recognize = Delete 4. Itz All Good = OK 5. 4 Real Doe =Yes 6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel 7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset 8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure 9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find 10. Put A Cap In It = Delete 11. Games & Shit = Programs 12. Letter Shit = Documents The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled \"Homie Essentials.\" The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed: 1. Dat Thang = File 2. I Be Seein\' It = View 3. Put Sumpin In = Insert 4. Hook It Up = Format 5. Stuff I Ain\'t gone Need =Tools 6. Number Shit = Table 7. Break In = Window 8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help Note: \"Stuff I ain\'t gone need\" (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with \"Keepin\' it Real.\" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=722 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer. The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks, followed them and got hit by a train." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=429 The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=628 A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1056 One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better! http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=667 A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed. About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed. She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked. "Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=674 Only a Kentuckian could think of this... From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lexington, KY. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off it was a fine, dry summer night -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=287