Jokes Jokes and more Jokes - Jokes made simple! http://www.simplejokes.com/ Simplejokes.com Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession. Amber: "I called a boy a mother fucker last night." Priest: "Why did you do that?" Amber: "He kissed me." The priest bent over and kissed her. Priest: "Like that?" Amber: "Yes." Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?" Amber: "No, then he grabbed me butt." The priest grabbed her butt. Priest: like this? Amber: "Yes." Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?" Amber: "No, then he pulled my pants down." The priest then pulled her pants down. Priest: "Like this?" Amber: "Yes." Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?" Amber: "No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where." The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where. Priest: "Like this?" Amber: "Yes." Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?" Amber: "No..." Priest: "Then why did you call him a mother fucker?" Amber: "He had herpes." Priest: "That MOTHER FUCKER!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=124 A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1073 A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=288 Knock Knock. Who?s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in and you'll find out! http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=1038 While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=447 A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=191 This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=486 "You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......" You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=867 Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads: I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=428 Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=591 Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!" http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=662 Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=872 Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair. http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=826 A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=158 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet." http://www.simplejokes.com/joke.php?jokeID=551