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Dapper Gators coach Billy Donovan is one of the many basketball coaches famous for being very well dressed at all times. But dapper Donovan is now sporting a very new look that will soon be made public. The reason? The Florida branch of the influential Redneck White Trash Association (FRWTA), a little known but powerful organization with its regional office based out of a rundown shack in central Florida, decided they did not like Donovan’s pinstriped corporate executive style and that a change was overdue.
“He don’t represent us like he should” said Cletus Buford, president of the Association in an exclusive interview. “He’s been in Florida fer a long time now and he STILL looks like some New York EXECUTIVE! Look at them fancy shoes with them little tassels on ‘em! Folks where we come from don’t even WEAR shoes! And those city boy suits! He’s been here long enough. It’s time fer him to look like he belongs here! Too high ‘n mighty!”
At first, Coach Donovan just laughed contemptuously, and when asked about his thoughts at a press conference, pointed at his dapperly attired feet. "What am I supposed to do? Do they expect me to take these off and coach in my bare feet? Do I LOOK like a redneck? Nothing is going to turn ME into a bubba! I'm happy in my business suits!"
But this is a very powerful group of good ol’ boys. They took Donovan’s patronizing attitude as a challenge. Buford announced: “I think Mister Donovan is gonna find out that his fancy, shiny shoes are feelin’ a little too tight and that he’s gonna feel the need to take ‘em off. We’re gonna help him!”
The group has strong ties with Florida’s politicians, and the Gators management did not say anything when a meeting was arranged with Donovan. Threats of boycotts and protests remain unsubstantiated.
The stunned coach left the emergency meeting with the association in their trailer in a local swamp with a list indicating a new dress code that they assume he will follow. Donovan went into seclusion and refused interviews, but Buford confirmed later that he has personally divested the coach of a pair of Gucci loafers and a Hermes necktie at the height of a contentious discussion.
A spokesman for the Gators, who wished to remain anonymous, issued a statement: “We will do everything we can to make sure that the Florida Redneck White Trash Association is happy with Coach Donovan’s new look. The process of officially transforming Coach Donovan into a genuine redneck has now begun. We are calling the process “bubbaizing.” He has agreed never to wear shoes or socks and to remain barefoot at all games from now on. He has agreed that he will never again wear a business suit or a necktie at a game or associated event. He has also agreed to wear dirty overalls with the FRWTA logo on them. He has agreed to replace his current haircut with a mullet, and to stop shaving on a daily basis. He has also agreed to undergo an intensive redneck language course and to legally change his name to ‘Billy Ray’.”
So the formerly impeccably dressed coach who strutted on the court in the most expensive designer attire and was known for his high class style is trading his $2,000 Italian business suits, cufflinks, starched shirts and silk ties for bib overalls and NASCAR tee shirts. In addition, he is now forced to step out of his $1,000 Gucci loafers and Brooks Brothers socks and will coach in his bare feet from now on. The process of "bubbaizing" Donovan will take several weeks but is well under way.
What will that mean for the Gators from now on? Will Donovan’s record as a coach also “go south” along with his Armani suits? Will fans and players respect a shoeless, bearded, trailer trash Donovan as they did when he dressed like a dignified stockbroker?
And will this start a trend among basketball coaches, known for their expensive suits? Just when football coaches are starting to question their own laid-back look, maybe they are trading places?
As for Donovan, he appeared today at an auction; the FRWTA auctioned off all of his business attire yesterday to raise money for the FRWTA to donate to NASCAR.
The transformation of Donovan’s identity has encouraged other branches of the Redneck White Trash Association to demand similar changes among their regional coaches. The news is already spreading and will certainly transform the world of college basketball.
The Kentucky Branch plans to contact Rick Pitino this week; they will require him to shave off all his famous hair, trade in his slick pinstriped suits, neckties and shiny loafers for a wife beater and jeans, and send them every pair of Italian shoes he owns. North Carolina’s branch plans to sell Mike Krzyzewski’s Armani suits on Ebay. |
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| submitted by:
JimW |
date:
2007-03-31 |
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